So the dog

Sometimes I look at my husbands dog & I know he is not the greatest service dog. He is nervous & barks where his hair stands up when he meets new people. I feel like we got ripped off, like the trainer sold me this fantasy promising this dog would help us tremendously & he doesn't. I want so bad for my husband to be better that I felt like I fell for it. I have never said this before because I feel like a fool & guilty that people helped us get him. 

  When the dog was living there we were only allowed to visit him once a month for maybe 30 minutes. So every month we would drive an hour to see him & bond with him, but we never saw his living area. I asked to meet his parents that live on site & was told the father does not like strangers.  

We have brought the dog back to the trainer & seen everything threw new eyes after getting to know him,. The dog is sweet & loving & eager to please. He gets up at 4:15 in the AM to come out of his cage & give me a kiss, then go outside & try to catch the bunny that is in our yard. The bunny waits by the side stairs & when I open the door he runs towards the fence then stops & ducks under, the dog would never hurt him, we have the cat that is mean to him & he has never even barked at him, so I know the bunny is safe & I think he does too. We went back to the trainer a month or so ago & he grabbed the dog by his leash & dragged him all around, seeing this threw new eyes I thought NO NO NO! He kept saying he needs a firm hand & I said he's so sweet he doesn't though.  They said I "ruined "  him  babying him too much . I thought he wasn't perfect when we got him but I love him.  The dog was raised with all German shepherds ( they also do security dog training) when he sees a German Shepherd he will literally rear up on is back legs & fiercely growl & bark. The vet thinks he had been attacked by a German shepherd in the past  & that is why he goes on defense right away. I can't even imagine this.

BUT.... He loves us, like unconditionally loves us. He wants to lay on the bed next to Lou & just kiss him. If Lou has a seizure he whines & nudges him. He has helped Lou's depression tremendously. He has gone from 60 to 20 mg of his depression meds since the dog came to live with us. The dogs eyes are soulful like he can see your sadness & wants to fix it. He is funny, sometimes we play " scooby doo" & chase each other around the furniture.  We race around the house & he cheats slamming me into the walls on the corners then spinning in a circle when he wins. He is amazing at catching his ball, then he demands a butt scratch before giving it back for another throw. He loves bath time Thursdays, mostly because he gets a massage & a then a biscuit afterwards. He waits in the yard for me to come home from work then gives me a big kiss when I come through the gate. If the scratch & sniff Yankee catalog comes he has to sniff each page & gives the page a lick if he likes it. 

When I see him my guilt in doing the fundraising goes away, I know maybe he is not the best service dog & not the friendliest to strangers but he is amazing to us. The love he has for us just fills our house. I am willing to give up my 50th B day trip because I think he would be too nervous & I love him that much. 

We will work with him & watch You tube dog training videos & hopefully break his nervousness, fingers crossed. 

Calm on the outside

Yesterday I got home from work & as soon as I got in the door my husband said I think I had a seizure. I said ok what happened ? Well I came to & the dog was nudging me & whining & I felt like I was in the postical stage ( this is the confused tired stage after a seizure). I said ok are you hurt? Well my neck feels stiff & I'm tired. Alright then I'm going to take the dog for his walk.

I see the look of disappointment on his face but I dance on a razors edge here, because we have had multiple arguments when this first started happening where he said I over reacted. He even had me talk to the Dr that stressed if he's not hurt or confused, he's fine. So now I ask all the usual questions, then go on with life.

On the inside I am screaming & crying. Mother fucker not again, when will they get this figured out! I want to rage throwing things & having a fit. I worry everyday that he will hurt himself.
I can tell you the day he fractured his spine. I was trying to call & check in he was not answering, my gut told me something is wrong. After the 3rd not answered call, I rush home from work praying & trying to hold back the tears. I got there & he was standing in the hallway covered in blood & urine his speech was slurred & he was confused. I said ok come sit down, I got some gauze & cleaned the blood off of his head & mouth, then helped him change his clothes, I knew he had to go to the hospital.  A few hours & multiple tests later they said he had fractured his spine. Our best guess is he bounced around the hallway banging against the walls & wood floor. I worry that will happen again & he will be paralyzed.


On the inside I rage & worry & on the outside I'm calm.

It's all about the udders

With Halloween quickly approaching we have been talking alot about costumes. The woman I work with wants to be a penguin, but she is having a hard time finding an adult woman costume that is not too sexy for work.

We have been having alot of fun with this finding the most bizarre sexy costumes we could. So far it stands as sexy Freddy Kruger from Nightmare on Elm street.

We did find a sexy cow costume & the guy I work with said how can you have a sexy cow, I said it's all about udder placement. 

For alot of guys it's all about the udders  ;)

Sometimes it's better to just take it all in

This weekend I met my sons , girlfriends mother & brother for the first time in 4 years. I went in with low expectations & I wasn't disappointed. As I get older I am learning to say less & listen more, I have learned some interesting things this way.

It started with us getting there & the mother & brother were still upstairs not ready. They came down & asked who we are, I said we are Mikes parents, the mother said Oh, like she was surprised. This was planned for like a month already but ok. It was only the two of us coming.

First her brother is about 4 ft 10 & wants my sons acceptance so bad that he will just agree with anything. He was a staunch gun hater  but my son believes in gun rights so now he does too.  His 1 year old is sick, he was coughing like a deep mucusy cough  but he wanted to go to a wrestling show with my son so instead of taking the baby to the clinic he went to the show & will get back on a plane with this crying miserable baby Tuesday. Every time the kid made a noise they shoved food in his mouth. My sons girlfriend said oh Mikes mom is really good with babies, hmmmm you have never seen me around a baby & there was no way I was picking up this miserable ball of mucus so they could sit on their asses & do nothing.

There are times I wanted to disagree with what he was saying but instead just let him talk. he talked about how babies should not be subjected to TSA screening, I said haven't you seen that people hide drugs in babies diapers? He said babies have human rights too! I said nothing. He went on to talk about himself & a guy he knows that got some disease from a southeast Asian hooker. He never stopped talking, at one point I'm pretty sure he was just saying random words to make noise. 

The mother can't look you in the eye, when she talks she looks at the ceiling like there is something mentally wrong with her. She mentioned about if her daughter had stayed with her old fiance the better life she would have. Her daughter tried to silence her quickly, but I caught it because I was listening instead of talking. At one point they were talking about chicken wings & she asked if chickens have legs. I kid you not. 

We sat there for an hour that felt like 5 & as we left I said it was nice to meet you. She said can I have a hug? Ummm ok? Then the brother came over & stuck out my hand to shake his hand & say it's nice to meet you , he pulled me in for a hug & then asked who I was again...... & said I wish I had met you last time I was here. I said I'm sure.

My assessment after sitting there listening, they are not the brightest bunch. It was like listening to children talk.  I really hope my son can pry himself out of this situation & get his life back on track. 

If it's not one thing it's my mother

My mother & I have always had a strained relationship. When I hit about 5 years old I started getting more independent , wanting to pick my own clothes & do my own thing. I didn't fit her mold. I had curly blonde hair , ( it's still curly just gray now) & My father would make her brush it straight. I was never allowed to wear it curly. It wasn't until high school that I started wearing it however I wanted & it drove them nuts.

I am sarcastic, strong willed & opinionated, everything they thought girls should not be. When I turned up pregnant at 18 they were less than thrilled ( understandably so) and my mother tried to get me to sign over custody of my son. I refused, then I would catch her teaching my son to call her Mommy & my father Daddy. To say it was f'd up is an understatement.

Skip forward 13 years to when my Dad died suddenly  of a heart attack on the front lawn. At the funeral, I wanted to be a pall bearer, my uncle said my mother said she needs me in the limo with her , I said ok. So I stood there waiting as they brought my fathers casket out , crying, then I went to get in the limo, she said there is no room for you & shut the door in my face. My son got out of our car & came & got me & walked me back to my car to ride to the cemetery. In that moment my attitude towards her changed. I just couldn't deal with her anymore.

My brother insisted she move 2 1/2 hours away from her friends to live near him & she did. Right before she was moving she asked if I would come visit her a few times a year, I was honest & said no. I have held up my end of the bargain on that, ( I have not been there in 2 years) About once a year she calls crying  that she doesn't have enough money ,she has run through almost all of the money from selling her house & my dads life insurance, spending it at Boscovs, out to lunch & Kohls. When my husband was still working she called looking for financial help, I said Ok, BUT you need to hand over all of your credit cards & bank info. I will go over everything & you can have a monthly allowance, I will pay the difference of what you owe. She did not like that idea, she wanted me to give her money no strings attached.

During her monthly calls the subjects go as follows, lack of money, how great my niece & brother & sister in law are & how helpful they are. ( not my nephew though). All of her shopping trips for stuff she doesn't need & the trips she is taking with money she doesn't have. Then it goes on to my son doesn't call her, I don't call her etc. It usually ends with are you going to come & see me before I die, to which my response is " when do you plan on dieing" ? My son says that to her now too.

lately her phone calls are racist rants, so I end those quickly, because when I have tried to correct her, she just argues & I wind up more aggravated.

It has gotten to the point where when I hang up with her, I dance around the house doing jazz hands singing  I don't caaaare. How freeing it is to not care anymore, not need or want her approval & just not care.

Who says just because someone is a relative you need to put up with their BS?
If it's not one thing it's my mother for sure

Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be?

So I saw this quote by JK Rowling:

Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive,' 'jealous,' 'shallow,' 'vain,' 'boring,' or cruel' ?

I have spent most of my life being told I was fat by my father & mother, relatives  & even people I have worked with. 

I remember being 16 & my mother asked my male cousin that is the same age as me to talk to me about losing weight. It was super uncomfortable for him & soul crushing for me. I can tell you the day & what I was wearing & that was 31 years ago. I was a size 10 at the time A SIZE 10. My mother has never been smaller than an 18 /20 for as long as I can remember.

I remember standing in  my kitchen as a kid & making a hot dog my father walked in & said no wonder you are so fat. 

Those kinds of things stay with you, they make you feel like you are not good enough. The more they said it the more I ate.  It made me judge people by their size. One time at my heaviest of over 200lbs a woman I work with asked if I was pregnant. I went back to my desk & cried, I literally cried. After that I knew I had to do something I started eating better & walking & exercising twice a day & lost 70lbs.

Then my husband got sick & I got depressed, I started eating. I gained  back 40 of the 70 lbs I had lost & I am right back to beating myself up. Putting my self worth on my size. My Dr said I would love to see you lose the 40 lbs, yeah me too jackass.

I am slowly getting my motivation back & walking at lunch & walking the dog after work, but my self worth is still tied to my size. I obsess about food & deny myself things I would like to try or have because of how fattening they are.

So is enjoying food & life the worst thing I can do? Is fat the worst thing I could be? 

Sometimes life reminds you to slow down

So imagine you are going through your entire life no seizures. You just bought a house, you are making 6 figures, two new cars, vacations every year, you are paying cash for your sons college education. You feel like after all of the struggles you have gone through you are finally able to take a breath & life is good.

Then something weird happens, you have no memory of it but you know something happened. You ignore it. Then it happens again, you continue to ignore it. Your family thinks something is going on but not quite sure. You call your Dr he says hmm, let's get you off of the new med you started for depression, you stop taking it but weird things keep happening, you are losing spaces of time. You ignore it saying maybe I fell asleep I've been tired lately. Your brain finally says HEY STOP IGNORING ME! & puts your entire body into convulsions, you fall out of the chair & put your head through a wall giving yourself a concussion, land on your arm & give yourself one heck of a bruise. There is no ignoring it anymore, you go to the hospital & stay for a week while they try to figure put why you had a seizure.

After that life becomes a whirlwind of Dr's Appts & Specialists & tests. He was allowed to keep driving  until he was at work & went to lunch & never came back. His boss called  & the search was on, it turns out he had been in a park having seizures for the last 3 hours, no one helped. He finally came to after his phone was ringing off the hook  & asked for someone to come get him. No more driving..

Then the seizures start happening at work, the people he worked with start alienating him, he was not part of the " group" anymore. The company asked him  to work from home, even though he was never late, we  rearranged our lives to make sure he got to work on time.   It's like a kick in the gut, not long after that they " eliminate" his job. He searched all over for another one, but not being able to drive or get through an interview without " zoning out" is making it difficult. The Dr sits us down & says he can't work anymore, she is putting in the paperwork for permanent disability  another punch in the gut. It's ok we will be ok... we find out he will get the maximum disability pays per month it's only  25 % of what he was making.

A month later our son moves out to bring his girlfriend across the country, at the lowest point in your life. This women is insisting he needs to get her an apartment to live in & one where she can bring the dog she just decided to adopt, so the affordable 1 bedroom  apt he found is out & he winds up paying  double & she moves here & does not work for at least 6 months but lies about it.

You are stressed beyond belief, you are worried about the deep depression your husband is in. You are worried about your son & his ulcer he is throwing up everyday from the stress. You are at a job where you are unhappy but unable to leave because you need the insurance, you feel trapped. You finally have to rip off the band aid & sell one of your cars you kept putting it off hoping things would go back to normal but they don't. Your mother in law starts dating & makes her new boyfriend a priority, even when they wanted to do surgery on her son, she says she won't be there she is going to be away ( 2 hours away mind you) with her boyfriend. The absolute rage boiling inside you is coming to a head, you almost feel like you are outside of your own body banging your fist on the table cursing & screaming , all of it, all of the hurt & disappointment & stress is bubbling out , until you feel spent, physically exhausted, sobbing a deep guttural sob  unable to catch your breath.

Then one day it clicks & you start thinking this is my new normal & I'm going to be ok. The sun seems to be shining again, the stress is subsiding. You realize if your son makes stupid choices thats on him. Your boss arranges for you to get paid for all of the extra hours you have been putting  in ( if only that was retro for 14 years). It only took 6 years but you have started to feel ok & realized life was telling you whats important & to slow down.

Something to be proud of: ( Montgomery Gentry) 

You don't need to make a million, just be thankful to be working. If you're doing what you're able, putting food there on the table, and providing for the family, that you love. That’s something to be proud of & if all you really do is the best you can, well you did it man.

Do I believe in God

There has been a lot of talk lately about God in my office one guy keeps asking if we believe. He says he does not. I think he is struggling with his faith & that's why he keeps bringing it up.

I do believe & I'll tell you why in a few. But lets start with what I don't believe:

What I don't believe is the bible, it was written by men & it's pretty clear women are considered less than. But think about this  women give life, yup without women there are no babies but with modern science babies can be made without men. In CCD I was actually taught that womens periods & cramps were punishment for well being a women . Think about that you are teaching young girls that God is punishing you for being born with a vagina, but on the other hand saying God made you in his image. Talk about confusing.

Here are the reasons I believe:

There is an old saying I think from WWI that says " There are no Atheists in a fox hole" Meaning in the worst of times people turn to their faith.


When I was 18 my son was born a month early, I had been on a pill to stop early labor for about 6 months when they stopped the pill about a week later I got pains in my back, called the clinic & they told me to come in. They hooked me up to the monitors & left the room, about 15 minutes later a nurse came rushing in asking if I was moving around & knocked the monitor off of my giant belly, no I had not. Next thing I know 4 DR's came rushing in asking if I wanted an epidural or to be put under I said for what?! Well my baby was in distress every time I had a labor pain his heart rate dropped, put me under I said & running down the hallway to surgery we went. I woke up in recovery I had no idea what I had or if he was ok. My first question to the nurse was what did I have?  She said you don't know? You had a 7lb 6oz boy with bright red hair. She actually wheeled my entire bed to the NICU to see him. There he was in his incubator like a little chicken they lifted the lid & I said hey buddy I'm your mom. He reached out his little hand to me & gripped my finger with all his might. In that moment I believed in miracles & knew until my last breath I would protect him. That's the first miracle that made me believe

When my son was 6 months old my ex took him out of his car seat on the side of the road & tried to throw him into traffic. He held an innocent baby in his arms & tried to throw him into the traffic on RT 35. I quickly defused the situation & got my son back in car seat & never saw my ex again. I knew God spoke through me that day & gave me the words to save my son. I had night terrors from that experience. This explains why I am  so protective of my son. That's the second Miracle that made me believe.

When I was getting ready to marry my husband, I was having very bad panic attacks wondering if I was making the right decision having been burned before. I went to church & sat in the front row, tears streaming down my face, unable to stop them. Father Michael saw me he  looked me in the eye  bowed his head & prayed for about 5 or 10 minutes. I sat through mass unable to stop the tears. When I walked out of the church, I physically felt the weight on my shoulders lift, fresh air whooshed into my lungs & my brain cleared. I could not stop thanking God, I knew it was him giving me the peace I needed & could not stop praising him to anyone that would listen. Father Michael asked God to help me I just know it & he did. So if Father Michael is out there reading this, thank you .

At every difficult point in my life I have prayed, when my husband was in ICU for 7 days I cried &  prayed.When my son travels I pray. When I wake up in panic attacks I pray.

God has given me the peace I have needed when I have needed it. My faith has gotten me through the most difficult situations in my life,  so yes I believe.
 
One last thought on this:
I think the Bible should be 4 words ... Don't be an asshole. That is the best life lesson anyone can learn & something I try to live by & taught my son.

The secrets people keep

There was this article about a woman who's dad had Alzheimer's. Her mother doted on him his entire life, just to find out in one of his non lucid states that he had cheated on her for years. The daughter found the computer & a journal he kept for over 20 years documenting his escapades. Almost their entire marriage he had cheated.

It made me think about the secrets people keep.

There are things you keep to yourself because they are yours. Like the physical abuse I dealt with.
There are secrets that are not so secret like the fact that I don't like my sons girlfriend.

Recently I had a conversation with my cousin. We talked about the summer I was15 & worked for her selling hot dogs and she paid me cash it was the best job I have ever had in my life. After I came home  she casually mentioned to my dad that she had paid me. He lost his shit & kicked in my bedroom door grabbed me by the neck & tried to choke me. My brother rushed in & pulled him off of me. I was grounded & it was never spoken of again. The hinges on my door were bent & so was my idea of love.
 My cousin apologized, I thought it was weird like why did she apologize?  She said for the fact that I went through that. It's funny how people don't know how to react. I wasn't asking for a reaction just casually telling a story. She told me how her sister had been sexually abused by a Dr for years & how she was  sexually assaulted at 5 years old by a teenage boy at her school & her mother felt bad that the boys father beat the crap of him for doing it.

She kept that secret for 60 years, I kept mine for 32. Her mother & my father were siblings, it made me wonder what secrets they kept.

I went on to have an abusive boyfriend, being choked & slapped & mentally abused for about a year. After that I realized I don't need to take shit from people & also never trust people 100%.
When my husband & I got together my friends at work kept saying he's a good guy you need to trust him. I finally did & here we are 27 years later .

There are very few people I trust & no one besides me knows my full story. Like most people, I will take it to the grave.


The Romantics:

When you close your eyes and go to sleep
And it's down to the sound of a heartbeat
I can hear the things that you're dreaming about
When you open up your heart and the truth comes out

Where to begin..

I spend a lot of time in my own head. Working out problems, having fictional arguments with my mother, telling off my mother in law, just solving the worlds issues if only I had the time.

I decided I needed to write it all down, some of it may be funny , some of it may be sad, but if you are reading this I hope it helps you to know you are not the only crazy one out in the universe.

" Some days are Diamonds some days are rocks" is the opening line to a song called "Walls" by Tom Petty. I have a print of that ( I really need to get a frame)  to remind me not all days are going to be perfect but just keep moving.

The things that have happened in my life do not define me as a person. They may have shaped me but I am not my problems. I'm not the teenage girl who would get beat up by her boyfriend. I'm not the teenage mom that was shut out by the other mom's at school for being so young. I'm not the girl that never felt like they fit in. I'm not the grown woman with a disabled husband .

I'm the almost 50 year old woman , that has raised a son who earned two college degrees. I'm a wife, a mother & a pretty bad ass person. I'm the girl you call when you want to cry yourself to sleep, to assure you it's all going to be alright. I'm also that girl you call when someone breaks your heart to tell you they were an asshole anyway & you are better off without them . I'm the person that will tell you to knock it off when you are sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. I'm also that person that is loyal & honest & tries to see the good in even a bad situation.

I will hold a grudge even though I know I shouldn't. I will fake a smile rather than say what I want ( because I'm an adult & that is why we are allowed to by alcohol). I observe a lot & just take it all in.

If I love you ,like really love you. I will love you forever & do anything for you.

I have a hilarious dog, well actually he is my husbands service dog. We play games like scooby doo where we chase each other around the furniture. He's a giant yellow , shedding machine that tries to sit on your lap & sometimes just comes over to give you a kiss.

I have an awesome cat, he is bad ass, he takes no shit from anyone. He's  all attitude in this fluffy little body. The dog is terrified of him, but he will curl up in my arms at night & purr until he falls asleep. I met him at an adoption event, he was sitting on top of the guys head just sitting there perfectly balanced. I saw him & said he's for me. The lady thought I was crazy but glad to find him a home. That was 7 years ago & I would still adopt him today.

I have a giant cat he's a 30 lb house panther but nervous & shy as anything. Thank goodness he doesn't realize how powerful he is or we would all be in trouble he'd be taking our dinner from the table :)

I have a boring job that pays the bills & a giant whale of a mini van to cart the dog around in.

So that's who I am.