I'm becoming angry lately

As I have harped on I have had to take a pay cut. I know I am lucky to have a job, but my work load has amped up & then I get my check for alot less than normal. There are days I feel I can't keep my head above water with the amount of work. Frustrated because I ask the person that is supposed to be helping to send an e mail & the next day at lunch time I get a message oh what was it you wanted me to do yesterday. I said nope it's ok I noticed you did not do it so I took care of it myself this morning.

It's frustrating, because I keep getting , do you need me to do anything & when I say yes  this please,  it doesn't get done. Right now our industry is key in finding a vaccine for this virus we must all be on point at all times to keep things running. Am I controlling oh 100%, do I want to make sure everything goes as smooth as possible yes. Are there certain expectations & pressure on me after being in this job almost 15 years  yes. There are daily conversations about how much money & work I am expected to generate. Daily phones calls & e mails with the guys needing help even though we all learned the new system at the same time.

I feel like now more than ever the pressure is on to prove my worth so I can keep my job. I am the mom, the therapist & the work wife to the guys I work with. The other day my husband was having a seizure & my IM is dinging letting me know someone is trying to call me. It's alot.

You're only human: Billy Joel

You probably don't want to hear advice from someone else
But I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myself
It's alright
It's alright
Sometimes that's all it takes
We're only human
We're supposed to make mistakes
But I survived all those long lonely days
When it seemed I did not have a friend
'Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my breath and face the world again
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in

Can't sleep

 It's like the switch in my brain turns on & my mind starts racing. All of the what ifs start flooding in.
I am constantly typing symptoms into my phone, becoming obsessed with making sure I stay healthy. I'm afraid & feeling triggered. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight or flight, on the verge of tears at any minute. I almost think crying would be cathartic just to let it all out.

As I sit here I realize I am clenching my jaw & my chills are back  I took my temp 98.6. Yesterday my throat was hot & I took my temp 99.1 I started freaking out. I talk to myself in my head saying ok you don't really interact with people & when you even walk the dog you put on a mask. I'm not saying you won't get sick but your odds are lower than say someone who works at Target & deals with the public all day. I have this constant dialogue with myself just trying to calm my nerves. And there the heat just kicked on I guess that explains why I felt chilly. 

 Honestly this all happened after talking with my mother the other day. I was feeling fine mentally & physically & I just called to check on her. She got a cloth mask from a neighbor & has been going out all over the place. I told her she needs to be staying home she has COPD. She said you went out! You could be the one that gets sick! I explained I had on an N 95 mask, gloves etc & took a shower when I got home. But her few words triggered my anxiety. I became obsessed with taking my temperature, all the next day I had chills. My mind constantly goes back to the what if. Right now I have post nasal drip, I get it every year during allergy season, it's so bad that I do a sinus rinse & I can hear my ear crackling. Post nasal drip makes you cough because you know the drip, but any cough or throat clearing by me or my husband & I feel my anxiety ramp up.
 She got what she wanted & triggered me. The thing about her is she lashes out, if you say or do something she doesn't like she lashes out & says something to try to hurt you. I did not react to her on the phone I just kept changing the subject. Until I said that after all of this is over I might consider taking my 50th B day money ( if there is any left) & put in an above ground pool. She said don't let Mike in it he is too fat & all of the water will come out. She figured that if she couldn't hurt me she would take a swipe at Mike at that point I said I have to go & got off the phone.

 At night before I go to sleep I lay there and list all the things I am thankful for & I ask God to watch over all of my friends & family. I think about things I love to do like gardening. I thank him for always watching over us & eventually I fall asleep having peaceful dreams & feeling refreshed the next morning. That has been working for over a month until she triggered me, now I do the same thing but I wake up in the night my mind racing, I struggle to get back to sleep & when I do I wake up mind racing again.

So I get up & wash the dogs bowl, feed the cats, throw in some laundry , load the dishwasher  & start typing. I take a break & listen to " The Prayer" with Celine Dion which always makes me cry. Just to let out some of what I am feeling & I face the day good or bad. Maybe today I'll burn my sage candle.

One of the sweetest women I know passed away yesterday

Yesterday at 8:30 pm I got a text from my son that his best friends mom passed away. Jude & my son have been friends for 15 years & seen each other through so much. His mom moved here from Kenya maybe 10 years ago with her younger son & the first time I met her she said thank you for being so kind to my son. I teared up & said I feel like he is my family, like my son too. She hugged me..

The fact that she has two awesome hard working honest boys is a testament to what a good mother she was to them. Jude is an amazing person, caring, funny just a genuinely good man. When he is with his son they have this amazing bond & he has a daughter on the way in a few weeks.

I wish I could hug him & tell him it will all be ok but I can't because of this stupid virus. I just hope he knows that I love him like he is my own son. My entire family loves him, cousins, aunts, uncles etc

Here is a funny story to tell you how good of friends Jude & my son are. When they were younger they would go to the movies together all the time, Jude would call it a "man date" because they both have this huge love of movies. They would go to the mall & catch a movie then maybe walk around. They were doing it so much that a lady at one of the kiosks thought they were a gay couple & said it was so nice they have date nights. :)

Where to begin

 So I was rejected for unemployment because I make too much even though I am taking a 836 a month pay cut. My husband said what are we going to do ? I said pay the import bills like mortgage, electric etc & call everyone else if needed. On the outside I have to remain calm not giving away that on the inside I am thinking if this pay cut lasts longer then 2 months I need to look into Bankruptcy to get out of the credit card debt I got myself into when my husband got sick.
 I keep telling myself there are people worse off than me, there are people with no job & no source of income. I will pull money from my savings to pay what I need to but I can't deplete that because if lay offs come next then what. So I take a deep breath go outside on the side porch sit in the sunshine & listen to the birds.
 The world is a mess right now, people are dying from an invisible enemy. People in Nigeria are starving because they can't work & the government doesn't have enough to feed them, the poorest villages got a bag of beans, a bag of flour & a bag of salt for each citizen. I have a house, a job & a freezer full of food so I have nothing to complain about. 
 My son's best friend his mom is in the hospital , her kidneys & liver are shutting down & they can't figure out why. He can't visit her & has a pregnant girlfriend at home going to give birth in the next few weeks. This man worked two jobs & went to highschool to save money to sponsor getting his mother & brother here from Kenya. To say he cares about his family is an understatement, he recently bought a house big enough so his mom could live with him & his mom is the sweetest lady they are all wonderful people well except the girlfriend she's kinda bitchy :)

 They started a company wide blog at work & I have decided I will post to it but only positive things.

In all of this, like my husbands 4am seizure today & the rejection of my unemployment. I am thankful for my house full of food & that my friends & family are healthy. I pray for the people out there working dealing with the public, in hospitals, grocery stores, servicing peoples appliances.

 In all of this craziness the birds are still chirping & the squirrels are still digging up my yard, the sunflowers I planted are standing up tall reaching for the sun & reminding me that life will go on, maybe differently but it goes on.

I was hoping to wake up & this was a sick April fools joke

Woke up today April 1st hoping to turn on the news & have them say April fools! Well that did not happen.
I found out the amount of money I will lose from my check every month over 800 bucks. EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS! The president of the company said it would be for 2 months in his speech but then the letter they sent does not specify a time & just keeps saying we hope. Alot of people including me will be jumping ship if things get back to normal & they keep that money from us.

I told my husband it would be ok & I applied for unemployment ( right now you can apply for a reduction in wage) but I don't know if I am eligible.I am stressed, clenching my jaw all the time. I have heart burn & just feel edgy. I don't know that it will be ok, I really don't.

I have been walking the dog everyday but honestly I am getting nervous about doing that, even though no one is around when we go. I thought to myself all of those prepper people that I used to joke about are right, they said if something like this happened people would be hoarding supplies. Yesterday in NJ they reopened the gun shops saying that Homeland Security deemed them an essential business. I thought to myself WHAT?! What are they expecting to happen?

The Pope said mass to an empty St Peters Basilica the other day. What a haunting image that was. In his mass he recited a scripture when everything was dark & people were afraid & they cried to out God why have you forsaken us?! God replied have you no faith? I have faith & I am trying to be careful staying in except to walk the dog. I pray every night & during the day. God please eradicate this virus from the world & bring peace again. 
 This weekend the plants from my garden are coming ( thankfully I ordered them back in December) so I will be outside cutting the grass & planting my garden. My garden reminds me life goes on, it may go on differntly from now on but it goes on.