Can't sleep

 It's like the switch in my brain turns on & my mind starts racing. All of the what ifs start flooding in.
I am constantly typing symptoms into my phone, becoming obsessed with making sure I stay healthy. I'm afraid & feeling triggered. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight or flight, on the verge of tears at any minute. I almost think crying would be cathartic just to let it all out.

As I sit here I realize I am clenching my jaw & my chills are back  I took my temp 98.6. Yesterday my throat was hot & I took my temp 99.1 I started freaking out. I talk to myself in my head saying ok you don't really interact with people & when you even walk the dog you put on a mask. I'm not saying you won't get sick but your odds are lower than say someone who works at Target & deals with the public all day. I have this constant dialogue with myself just trying to calm my nerves. And there the heat just kicked on I guess that explains why I felt chilly. 

 Honestly this all happened after talking with my mother the other day. I was feeling fine mentally & physically & I just called to check on her. She got a cloth mask from a neighbor & has been going out all over the place. I told her she needs to be staying home she has COPD. She said you went out! You could be the one that gets sick! I explained I had on an N 95 mask, gloves etc & took a shower when I got home. But her few words triggered my anxiety. I became obsessed with taking my temperature, all the next day I had chills. My mind constantly goes back to the what if. Right now I have post nasal drip, I get it every year during allergy season, it's so bad that I do a sinus rinse & I can hear my ear crackling. Post nasal drip makes you cough because you know the drip, but any cough or throat clearing by me or my husband & I feel my anxiety ramp up.
 She got what she wanted & triggered me. The thing about her is she lashes out, if you say or do something she doesn't like she lashes out & says something to try to hurt you. I did not react to her on the phone I just kept changing the subject. Until I said that after all of this is over I might consider taking my 50th B day money ( if there is any left) & put in an above ground pool. She said don't let Mike in it he is too fat & all of the water will come out. She figured that if she couldn't hurt me she would take a swipe at Mike at that point I said I have to go & got off the phone.

 At night before I go to sleep I lay there and list all the things I am thankful for & I ask God to watch over all of my friends & family. I think about things I love to do like gardening. I thank him for always watching over us & eventually I fall asleep having peaceful dreams & feeling refreshed the next morning. That has been working for over a month until she triggered me, now I do the same thing but I wake up in the night my mind racing, I struggle to get back to sleep & when I do I wake up mind racing again.

So I get up & wash the dogs bowl, feed the cats, throw in some laundry , load the dishwasher  & start typing. I take a break & listen to " The Prayer" with Celine Dion which always makes me cry. Just to let out some of what I am feeling & I face the day good or bad. Maybe today I'll burn my sage candle.