Christmas Christmas time is here, time for laughs & time for jeers

Christmas was a few days ago, hmm what to say. Well I don't love the holidays. Starting with Angst-giving  until new years day . It' stressful, anxiety attack giving stress. I hate being phony & I have to sit around a table of people I don't like & try to act happy. Angst giving  is two days of cooking & 40 minutes of eating. Every year my sister law will say did you make enough food?  This year was a spiral ham & two boneless turkey breasts & she still said it.
Then it's black Friday, which I actually enjoy. It's a time to hang out with my son without his annoying girlfriend. ( She is banned from going with us). Then the tree goes up the presents get wrapped & before you know it it's Christmas eve.
This year I took 1 1/2 weeks off from work & wouldn't you know it the day before my vacation starts my boss mentions in a meeting how 2020 is going to be hard for our dept & he doesn't know what that will mean for our jobs.  I left with a fuck it attitude, it is what it is. I feel like once a month he is telling us this.
 Christmas eve my son & his annoying girlfriend came over. We had to hold dinner for her because you know the world revolves around her. She comes in & goes right into my fridge which is a huge pet peeve for me. Thankfully this time my son said you don't just go into peoples refrigerators! She was like well I was looking for something he said then ask! At dinner she regaled us with more of her bullshit stories about things that happened to her when she was younger. Each time the stories get more & more ridiculous & she always winds up being the damsel in distress & some man rescues her.
 She slipped & told my husband that my son bought her a laptop & shipped it to her  when they were on line dating so they could face time but now it's so old. You can see why I think she just uses him & has from the beginning. So we opened gifts & watched a movie, then they went home. The next morning we went to my mother in laws for brunch & the girlfriend was complaining that 11am is too early. Again she thinks everyone should follow her schedule.
 About 40 minutes in my mother in law started using the n word I won't even type it because I won't give it life, but when I said well that took longer than expected. She just started saying it again & again. Then it was about the Mexicans down the block & they dropped off cookies for Christmas. Hmm what are their names, I don't know the Mexicans that moved in last year.  Then the house next to her is for sale again 3rd time in two years. Her boyfriend chimes in we better not get dreadlocks again like are on the other side. First off the guy on the other side of her is a DJ & his wife is a nurse & if they can afford a house in her neighborhood God Bless them because it ain't cheap. I said maybe people keep moving out of the other house because of you, think about it you are the only common denominator.
She started gossiping about the neighbor across the street & all her kids are divorced & moving back in. I said well that's their business. The girlfriend chimes in 8 people live in that house. I said why do you care you never even met them. At one point the girlfriend was kissing the mother in laws butt so bad that my husband had enough & called her on it. He said stop kissing her ass, we can all see what you are doing!
Most of the time I sat there silent. taking it all in. It's amazing what you hear.
Like the boyfriend say to my mother in law if she is going to eat like that she is going to have to get on the treadmill tonight, she said It's Christmas I'm not going to, he said yes you will.  
The mother in law asking the girlfriend are you making any resolutions & she said I'm always trying to better myself, but in an annoying breathy way. My son said well I'm perfect how I am , I said I agree! The girlfriend just started at me.
 The boyfriend talk about how they drive all over the state to buy lottery tickets. I don't think that was supposed to be said in front of us. ( As I said from the beginning she is a cash cow for him)
It drove my mother in law crazy that I am letting my hair go gray she just kept staring at it. She now dyes her hair a flesh color & it's weird she wears her foundation too dark & matches her hair to it. But her boyfriend dyes his hair jet black so there you go.
My mother in law mentioned she doesn't talk to her friend of 50 years anymore that lives 2 house away. I know the friend did not like her boyfriend so I'm sure that has something to do with it.

In retrospect 3 things I remember: First I missed my opportunity AGAIN to say to the boyfriend why don't you spend any holidays with your daughter that lives around the corner?
Second we found a picture of my father in law when he was in his 20's & bought a hot rod, so I had them printed & put it in a frame with a photo of my husband with one  of his hot rods when he was in his 20's & my son with his Mustang that he bought 6 years years ago in his early 20's. My son teared up when we gave it to him. I told him it was dad's idea. ( it wasn't) but I want him to think that it was.
 Third the girlfriend got as framed picture of herself from my mother in law for Christmas & she thought it was the best gift ever. that should tell you alot

I'm trying to change my mindset

 I will be one year closer to 50 in a few weeks. This weighs on my mind lately. I'm trying to eat better & walk everyday rain, sleet or shine. I am trying to settle my mind & not let people get under my skin. I am taking a step back from people who stress me.
 It seems the harder I try to step back the harder people try to get under my skin. Like my lack of a reaction irks them, but I still won't react. The dog has helped me drastically with this, as soon as I get stressed he is by my side with his big puppy eyes, nudging me, wanting me to sit on the floor with him so he can get in my face & give me a kiss. There is something relaxing about this your blood pressure goes down & you let out a cleansing breath. It's better than any med a Dr can prescribe.

A guy I know had to have emergency surgery to remove his leg due to blood clots. He is a single father of an autistic son. They are doing a Go Fund Me for him & so I took a check for 25 bucks my mother gave me for our wedding anniversary & donated it. I told her thank you for check I gave the money to this guy & explained the situation. The text that was sent a few hours later was, is there a reason you don't want anything I send you. Do you not want me to visit you, just tell me.  I was very angry at first, my first reaction was to text back " way to make a guy losing his leg about you" but instead, I thought about a book I read by the Dali Lama called The Book of Joy, it says to take a step back before reacting, so I did & I kept stepping back until I walked away & never replied. I went to bed at peace last night, not aggravated or angry.   

I read something this AM that says: My Silence Means I am tired of fighting
and now there is nothing left to fight for. My silence means I am tired of explaining my feelings to you, but now I don't have the energy to explain them anymore. My silence means I have adapted to the changes in my life & don't want to complain. My silence means I am on a self healing process & I am trying to forget everything I ever wanted from you. My silence means I am just trying to move on gracefully with all my Dignity - Aarti Khuara

So I will sit in silence & observe the world around me at peace with myself, only letting the people in who bring joy to my life - Me

Is the color of my hair more important than the color of my soul?

 I have been having a debate with myself about letting my hair go gray again. I say again because I let it grow out for a year to get it healthy again. Then one day my husband says I think the gray hair makes you look old, so I went & bought hair dye & have not turned back in about 9 months.
 But here I stand again coloring my hair every 3 weeks, I like how it looks when it is colored & it does make me look younger but I'm not younger, I am going to be 48 in a few weeks. My salt & pepper hair a testament to who I am. Does it wash me out as one friend says, yes  I won't lie about that, but why do I have to be someone I'm not? Why is vanity more important than who I am.
 I understand that people judge you by how you look but does my gray hair make me any less of a decent human being? Does it make me volunteer less or care less for other people & animals? Does the lack of pigment in my hair make me less than?
 I have a photo cut out & hanging my kitchen & it's a wrinkly old lady smiling & it says " If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies how different our ideas of beauty would be". I put it there to remind myself not to judge people by how they look, but here I am judging myself.
 I went to vocational school to be a hair dresser, it wasn't what I wanted to do, but my parents pushed me to do it. I loved the creativity but not the cattiness & judgmental attitudes. When I was in school, I was the girl with the funky hair cut. At graduation all the girls wore dresses & heels, I was wearing an outfit from a store called " units" it was considered anti fashion with my favorite brown leather sandals which I still own ( 30 years later). I am the person with a hippie soul, my favorite thing to do it garden & play with the dog. I want to help people  whenever I can. Does the color of my hair make me different on the inside? Nope it does not. 

I will debate with myself a while longer about this, but in the end I think I'll be who I'm supposed to be , the girl with the salt & pepper hair & the hippie soul.

Glorious by Macklemore:

I feel glorious, glorious
Got a chance to start again
I was born for this, born for this
It's who I am, how could I forget?
I made it through the darkest part of the night
And now I see the sunrise
Now I feel glorious, glorious
I feel glorious, glorious

BTW I wish units was still around my closet would be filled with it!

I will try to fix you

It's been a rough week, I woke up at 12:44 the other morning to Lou having a seizure in his sleep. It only lasted about 30 seconds & he woke up out of it, then went back to bed.
Yesterday I found him slumped over on the couch in the AM, then in the afternoon he was completely just staring off unable to respond but his eyes would follow me.
He was off schedule with his medical MJ this week, just forgetting when it was time to smoke & it throws him off.

I have tried to talk to my son about the fact that we are going to cancel going on vacation but he keeps delaying the conversation. I need to cancel because I need the money for other things & my husband can't take his MJ with us because it's illegal even for medical purposes where we are going. My son doesn't see it everyday, the issues, the anger, the forgetfulness. I think me canceling vacation  puts everything in a bright light for him. I don't care about canceling the vacation, I really don't but he keeps saying you need a vacation. He can go without me but he won't.

I wish I had the trick to fix my husband & my son. Make my husband healthy again & my son to see the light about what is going on in his life. But I don't, so I fight back the anxiety attacks & try to keep myself healthy so I can take care of them.

Coldplay: Fix you

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

You know when someone just has the words you need to hear

 So there was more Mama drama, instead of putting the house in a trust she took everything & sold it to my brother for 1 dollar, so he owns the house & it's contents meaning anything that belonged to my grandparents photos etc is lost to me forever. To add insult to injury when my mother told me this ( on thanksgiving) she said my friend wanted to do this too but she has 9 kids & how do you pick a favorite out of 9 kids. AND THAT LADIES & GENTLEMAN SUMS UP MY LIFE!
 I did not react when I was on the phone no matter how much she poked & prodded me. She even said she wants to come visit me , I said yeah whatever just call first . ( I will make sure I'm not available ). I won't let her turn me into the bad guy saying I yelled & all I want from her is the house.
 I got off the phone & was furious breathing so heavy I was light headed, I exploded. Screaming & yelling calling her & my brother every name in the book. I put on my sneakers & went for a run. I ran 1 mile in the span of one song ( about 3 minutes)  I have not run a 3 minute mile in the history of forever. My lungs were burning I was fighting back tears, occasionally one would slip out.
 No matter how much I tried to express to anyone what I felt they kept saying you didn't want the house anyway. It wasn't about the house though.

Then Saturday came & my cousin called while she was driving back from Newark Airport. My family doesn't know all of this is happening & honestly I don't know why I never said anything, but I told her & she said the exact words I needed to  hear. She said " on the outside you are calm & acting like you don't care, but on the inside you are feeling rejected & I'm sorry she is treating you this way" That was it, the rejection is what was making me furious. Not the house or the stuff, it's that at 48 years old she acts like oh I love my daughter so much & she doesn't visit me but on the side nothing has changed since I was a teenager, she tries to manipulate me & make me feel not good enough.

My cousin knew what I needed to hear & it felt like a release like finally someone knows what I am trying to say.