I'm almost 50 & my priorties seem off

 In a few weeks I'll be 49. It hasn't always been an easy road but here I am. The past few years I have been obsessing about my weight. Stepping on the scale everyday beating myself up. 

I have put back on 40 of the 70 lbs I lost about 10 years ago. Not all at once but it has crept back. I don't enjoy my life, I just exist. I don't know how much longer any of us have & I just sit here existing everyday. I have a husband that has epilepsy, a shit ton of responsibilities, a  job that does not bring me joy, a pain in the ass mother & mother in law. A son that is unhappy, a recall on my mammogram next week  & I concentrate  on the number on the scale. Telling myself I'm not good enough  because of that number. 

Maybe it's because I feel it's the one thing I can control but it's out of control. I'm sad because of that number. With all the other things to be sad about & it's that number that gets me & says you are not good enough. 

I walk with the dog & feel good & then an hour later my body hurts, when I put my feet on the floor they hurt. My elbows & shoulders hurt. I force myself to go out & do it anyway knowing I will be in pain like it's my punishment for eating a mini twix or putting milk in my coffee.

Me like so many other people have put my self worth on the scale. I look at people like Lizzo & I think to myself she is a faker she can't be fat & happy it's just not possible.

I watched an episode of what would you do

 They had two actors in a cafe & the boyfriend grabs the girls arm & takes her phone. Trying to force her out of the cafe. One guy stood up for her & time after time women stood up to this guy not knowing he was an actor. No one yelling just telling her she deserved better. The guy even offered her money to get a Uber home.

It made me remember something. I remember being the car in a parking lot of a K mart , my ex beating the crap out of me & I was screaming I mean screaming for help & people walked by got in their cars & drove away. He wanted my credit card so he could go into K Mart & buy things. He eventually took the card & me into the store tears on my face make up running & not one person asked if I was ok or did I need help. I probably saw 50 people that day. Not one person. 

When I got out of that situation I knew I would never walk by someone going through that & put blinders on. There has been more than  one situation that I have opened my mouth & people have been surprised that a 5 ft 1 woman is threatening to knock the teeth out of their mouth. I have called the cops to come & help a lady that my husbnad saw get pushed to the ground & it turns out when the cops got there the guy had warrants & got arrested. She was so thankful he stepped in & I think about her & hope she's ok. 

 

Things I have seen in the past almost 50 years

I was sitting here thinking the other day that one day when I'm dead my great grand kids  will say think of all of the things that grand ma saw in her lifetime.  

It's pretty crazy when I think about it but here is the list

leaded gas - you used to have to ask for unleaded if you had a newer car. My first car took leaded gas

Cable TV- we had a box with a cord that ran across the floor & you had to to position the switch in one of 3 spots to pick your channel

Remote control TV's 

Home computers

VHS -  DVD then Blu Ray Now streaming

8 tracks - vinyl - cassettes - CD's then streaming 

Micro wave ovens which my parents called a radar range

Dial up internet 

car phones - a legit phone that looked like one you had on the wall in your house 

Cordless phones

Cell phones

 Answering machines then voice mail

The birth of shopping chanels

When Amazon only sold books 

The birth of Target , Starbucks , Walmart

Y2K

9-11

Covid

I'm sure there are more for the list & I'll add on as I think of them

Interesting quote

 Ice-T made a quote. He said the jokes on us because while we are busy fighting about race, religion & other things the reality is no lives matter except of the wealthy to those in power.

 This struck a cord in me because there is a new epilepsy medicine it's been out in other countries for years but just came to the US the end of last year. My insurance won't cover it & I can't afford to pay $1600 a month for it. Like most people I live pay check to pay check. I have money in my savings that I don't touch in case I need it ( like when I had to have the sewer pipe fixed) & I am trying to get myself out of debt that I go into 10 years ago.  

 Our Dr has appealed twice to the insurance & the next step is to send the state of NJ a check for 60 bucks with an appeal. For $60 they will decide if they will hear our case so the $60 does not guarantee they will even hear the Dr just that they will think about it & let us know. If they decide to hear what the Dr has to say then she has to call in & present our case. 

Literally I have to beg them to force my insurance to cover a new med. 

We have to keep a note book that he writes in everday so if they try to take away his disability payments we can prove he still has issues. Yesterday my husband said I just wrote in my book for the Dr that I felt normal after my shower today. It is so unusual for him to feel " normal" that we have to make a note of it for the Dr.         Let that sink in a minute.

Seizures everyday & a medicine that is CBD based & people are having success with but it's either pay for the meds or my mortgage.

 

I think Ice -T is right the reality is no lives matter except of the wealthy to those in power

 

I love Fall

 I know it's August but I went to take the garbage out this AM & it was 60 degrees. I came back in opened all the windows & lit my honey soaked apple candle. There is just something about Fall that speaks to me. 

I love having the windows open even if you have to throw on a sweatshirt. Throwing on my cozy bearpaw boots & heading down to the beach. Yup that right I only go to the beach in Spring & Fall never in the summer. Spring is renewal, things are waking up from the cold winter, flowers are starting to bloom & it's time to plant my garden. Fall is like nature stretching & getting ready for bed.  

I love to hear the leaves rustling in the breeze & the dog loves it. He will sit outside all day if you let him, just napping in the cool weather.

I can do one maybe two pumpkin spice coffees for the season, I am apple everything. Apple ciders, apple candle, Apple shaped butt yup that's me. :)  

I know you shouldn't wish your life away but I am over summer & can't wait for the cool weather.

that little voice

 Everyday I hear that little voice saying you are not good enough. You are fat & old & your hair is ugly. 

I obsess over what I eat like if I think I ate too much I will think about that for the rest of the day beating myself up over it. Like why did you have that Oreo you didn't need it. I mean no one really needs an Oreo but I will think about it all day. I ate Oreos on Saturday & here I am on Monday still thinking about it.  

 I see pictures of myself from years ago & I seem happy but I know I wasn't. I criticize everything about those pictures when I see them. Look at my glasses or how big I was. I spend so much time telling myself that I am not good enough that I try to stay busy to quiet my mind. Scrubbing the floors or cleaning the carpets or scrolling through pintrest just so my I don't have to hear the criticism in my head. I can't be alone with my thoughts  & let them creep in. I am an over achiever always need to do everything right just to prove to myself that I can.

I met my husband in highschool but we never dated I was too young. I dated one guy for over a year & he broke up with me because his mother threatened to take his car away. I look back now & understand how a 17 year old kid is not going to give up his car for some girl but at the time I felt not good enough. Then I met my ex & hung onto him even though I knew he cheated & he beat me up. When I was in the hospital after giving birth to my son I called the house in the middle of the night because my son had a problem & another girl answered. She even showed up at his parents house where we lived after my son came home. She came with her sister to " fight  me" but when they got there & met me, her sister said you are so nice & your son is so cute. I'm sorry we bothered you. I still stayed & didn't confront him because I was convinced who would want me? So I was married at 18 & divorced before my 20th B day. I had resigned myself to raising my son alone because who would want me. I wasn't good enough. I was fat & ugly & had a kid.

I spent my childhood & especially my teenage years being told I was fat & my make up made me look like a clown at home. I was a guys girl, more comfortable playing football then wearing a dress. When I finally started changing & guys started to notice me. I had no idea. They wanted to take me places like to get ice cream or walk around the neighborhood but I felt so bad about myself I figured it was just because they felt sorry for me. Years later they said I was an idiot.

Even today my confidence is just a facade. I am still a guys girl. more comfortable talking about guy stuff than anything else. My sons friends say they love me because I am not like the other moms. They don't know that I am still just trying to fit in.

 

Papercut- Linkin park

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(It watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

 

 The world is just weird right now. People are fighting over masks & politics, like physically fighting. Everyday on the news there is bad news. It's hard to stay positive.  

Back in March when I started working from home I decided to get up at my normal time of 4:30am so I didn't get off schedule, well here I am almost 7 months later & I have slightly adjusted my wake up time to 4:45. I get up take a shower, scoop the litter box, load or empty the dishwasher & make a cup of coffee.

Then I watch Rick Steves travel show until I have to start work. He travels all over the world as a tour guide & takes you with him. I dream of seeing these places one day, knowing there is more outside my door than just what I have seen. Today he was in Tuscany there is a home there from 200 BC it is literally 2200 years old!  Maybe my ancestors saw it with their own eyes. 

Greece has always had a draw to me, there is something about it that feels like home even though I have never been there. When I did the ancestry DNA I found out I was 7% Greek & it made sense to me. I know it sounds weird but I really have been drawn to it. I want to go there & take my husband & son for my 60th B day in 11 years 

So I watch this show & dream of visiting these places then log into my computer so I can hopefully one day pay for it all. Maybe one day I'll get there & decide not to come back. As long as I have my husband & my son I don't really need anything else.

The Kongos: Traveling on 

 So long my flame, my warmth, my fear, my fight
The road’s calling again tonight
Dreaming under street lights
Maybe I’ll catch a train to Rome
See the world until I can’t go on
Then maybe I’ll come traveling home

Not sure how I feel

 I called my mother on her birthday because I felt like I had to. I also sent her a gift from QVC again because I felt I had to. 

She said her friend gave her a card that said happy 30th Bday & she though that was so funny but she wouldn't want to be 30 again because that's the year she had me.

I feel like I should be angry or hurt but I'm not I'm just numb. My son said are you surprised mom she wrote you out of her will & gave the house & all of the old photos etc to uncle Joe. She wants my dads dog tags that he gave me when I was just a teenager screeching like a pterodactyl when I calmly said no. 

It seems like she is slowly erasing me out of the family so 200 years from now when someone researches our family history they will see my name but there will be no other trace of me, no photos, no stories, like I never really existed.  

I have been in my head about this, thinking I should be mad or hurt but I'm not. Thinking I'm weird for not reacting. Is it because I'm just numb, numb to her nonsense of putting me down? Calling me specifically to say I hate your new hair cut/ color.  To always try to one up me like I got a food saver , well I got a better one. Stupid stuff like that.

I just don't get it. I had my son at 18 & it wasn't an easy road, but if someone came to me & said you can go back and be 18 & choose to go to college & at this age of almost 50 you would be very successful travel the world & have the life you have only dreamed of. Or you can choose the same path with the abuse mental & physical. The struggles to make ends meet BUT you get your son. I would choose my son 1 million percent of the time.

Maybe that's why  I'm so involved with my son, because I didn't have that myself.

So no more guilt for me or feeling like I have to do something because she is my mom. 

Somewhere I belong: Linkin Park

When this began,
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel (nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face (I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (so what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me (nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (erase all the pain 'till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away, and find myself today

I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I want to heal I want to feel like I'm,
Somewhere I belong,
I want to heal I want to feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

    

Some times a liar is just a liar

Being home all the time has given me time to reflect on alot of things.

 My mom's birthday is coming up & I sent her so goat soap from QVC  ( she loves that crap) anyway I had to address the label & her name is Mary. You know how I know this not because she told me because if you ask her she will say her name is Maria Christina, but that's not true when my husband was doing genealogy stuff a few years back he came up with her birth certificate on line. It said Mary Christine. I guess that wasn't ethnic enough for her so she added the extra vowel. It made me think of all the times in my life she has lied to me & about me.

 My cousin has Epilepsy she has had it for about 20 years, she will tell you it's because a boyfriend beat her so bad that it caused brain damage. She has tried everything, chips inserted in her brain, multiple meds etc nothing works. If you speak about her to my mother she will say well you know Kathleen drank & drugged herself until she had seizures. It was the drugs , drugs do it to you. She has never outright said she thinks my husbands seizures are because he used drugs ( at least not to me) but I suspect that's what she says to other people, because I have had the same family members ask me multiple times why he has epilepsy. The honest to God truth is the Dr's don't know. They think that an anti depressant he was taking years ago  lowered his seizure threshold but they just don't know. It's not like he had a car accident & the seizures started so they could pin point it.

 My Aunt from Maria Italy: My mother would go on & on about she was in a concentration camp & met my uncle when he freed her. BUT the truth is she is Polish, her family sent her to Italy as a little girl to save her when the Germans were coming. She lived with another family as their child.

 I have a picture in my living room that my mother always said was my Grandmother & Grandfather when she visited him & he was in the army but it's not my grandfather at all. He was never in the service. I found that out after doing family research too.

 

The point of all of this because I could go on & on is my entire life she has lied to me & about me. Made up & exaggerated stories about myself, my brother & all of my family.  I'm pretty sure she drove the wedge between my brother & I because I can't figure out why he doesn't talk to me. Like there was never an argument or anything he just stopped talking to me 25 years ago. Literally we are in the same room & he doesn't acknowledge me.

I think this is why I hate lieing so much. My husband says I am honest to a fault sometimes, like maybe I say things I shouldn't. I see the lying quality in my son sometimes the way it will roll of his tongue but I know him well enough that I can tell & will just stare at him. He will usually start squirming in his seat & change the subject.

My mother is almost 80 now & people say you can't change her & honestly I don't expect to but this is why I have not driven to see her in 3 years.

She asked when she moved 15 years ago will I drive 2 1/2 hours to see her a few times a year & I said no, because I am not a liar.

 

And just like that things changed

So I already listed about the argument with my husband. Well on Sunday he came to me & started crying he said I am really sorry for what I said to you. I have alot of anger lately & I took it out on you.

I am jealous of Mike getting to go on his fishing trip because I passed up opportunities when I was younger & now I can't do them anymore. I am jealous that I hear you laughing & joking with the guys you work with & I don't have friends like that.

And just like that things changed, I listened to what he said & my guard went down. We have been together 27 years & the way he acted was out of character. So we pick up the pieces & move on.

Beautiful war: Kings of Leon

Bite your tongue
Don't make a scene dear
Everybody's been here
At least once before
But we've been here more
Your heart breaks
Rolls down the window
I've seen it all go
Comeback around
I've heard the sound

The tip of your tongue
The top of your lungs
Is doing my head in
I say love
Don't mean nothing
Left them something
Worth fighting for
It's a beautiful war

When I hold
The warmth of your body
There is nobody
That I'd rather hold
Shattered and cold

The tip of your tongue
The top of your lungs
Is making me crazy
I say love
Don't mean nothing
Left them something
Worth fighting for
It's a beautiful war

I say love
You don't need nothing
Left them something
Worth fighting for…

We write our trials in Marble & our blessings in sand

Things have been tough lately.  So much stress with the virus, the pay cuts, feeling trapped in the house. I have been very numb lately.

Yesterday my husband told me I am 75% of the reason he is unhappy in life. I spend my days doing everything I can for him & that is what he said. He said I take advantage of him since he got sick, not that I have rearranged my entire life to take care of him & spend my time off taking him to Dr's & picking up prescriptions. Not that I had gotten up at 4 am to clean the house before I started work & did laundry. When the sink started gurgling again he said it was because I go to the bathroom too much. He was trying to get a rise out of me. I knew what he was doing trying to poke the bees nest & get a reaction out of me but I wouldn't give it to him. I stood there no tears I just said you have to be kidding me. So then he said my son has gotten so big he is probably going to have a heart attack & die. He went for my weak spot like my mother does. I let a tear fall not for what he said but because I worry about my son's health. He lost weight & gained it back plus more.  

I could see yesterday that I would be his emotional punching bag all day, so I retreated to my office to bury myself in work.

After dinner I calmly said I want to know why you are saying these things to me, he calming started lobbing hand grenades at me again. Still I would not react.  I said what's going on that is making you act like this?  It's out of character for you. He was getting angrier that I would not react & argue with him. Honestly I am so numb I am past the point of caring. He went outside & I folded clothes. He came in & said I'm sorry I am just feeling so angry lately  & I was taking it out on you. I was wrong & I'm sorry I didn't mean those things I said. I said ok. Still numb.

I still feel numb today like he put a wall between us. Today the I noticed the lump on the dogs leg has gotten bigger & I have to call the vet on Monday. That made me cry, I love him so much I couldn't bear if something is wrong with him. But I am going to write this in sand.

In marble I will write that my insurance will pay 6 grand to fix my sewage pipe & I only have to pay $500.

I prayed for the dog, asked God to heal him telling him I can't bear it for him to be sick even just typing it makes me cry.

I prayed for my son & asked God to give him the insight to get his life together & take better care of himself.

I prayed for myself asking God to help me with the numbness I feel & heal things between my husband & myself.

Switchfoot: Dare you to move

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
Yeah