Not sure how I feel

 I called my mother on her birthday because I felt like I had to. I also sent her a gift from QVC again because I felt I had to. 

She said her friend gave her a card that said happy 30th Bday & she though that was so funny but she wouldn't want to be 30 again because that's the year she had me.

I feel like I should be angry or hurt but I'm not I'm just numb. My son said are you surprised mom she wrote you out of her will & gave the house & all of the old photos etc to uncle Joe. She wants my dads dog tags that he gave me when I was just a teenager screeching like a pterodactyl when I calmly said no. 

It seems like she is slowly erasing me out of the family so 200 years from now when someone researches our family history they will see my name but there will be no other trace of me, no photos, no stories, like I never really existed.  

I have been in my head about this, thinking I should be mad or hurt but I'm not. Thinking I'm weird for not reacting. Is it because I'm just numb, numb to her nonsense of putting me down? Calling me specifically to say I hate your new hair cut/ color.  To always try to one up me like I got a food saver , well I got a better one. Stupid stuff like that.

I just don't get it. I had my son at 18 & it wasn't an easy road, but if someone came to me & said you can go back and be 18 & choose to go to college & at this age of almost 50 you would be very successful travel the world & have the life you have only dreamed of. Or you can choose the same path with the abuse mental & physical. The struggles to make ends meet BUT you get your son. I would choose my son 1 million percent of the time.

Maybe that's why  I'm so involved with my son, because I didn't have that myself.

So no more guilt for me or feeling like I have to do something because she is my mom. 

Somewhere I belong: Linkin Park

When this began,
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel (nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face (I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (so what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me (nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (erase all the pain 'till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away, and find myself today

I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I want to heal I want to feel like I'm,
Somewhere I belong,
I want to heal I want to feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong