We write our trials in Marble & our blessings in sand

Things have been tough lately.  So much stress with the virus, the pay cuts, feeling trapped in the house. I have been very numb lately.

Yesterday my husband told me I am 75% of the reason he is unhappy in life. I spend my days doing everything I can for him & that is what he said. He said I take advantage of him since he got sick, not that I have rearranged my entire life to take care of him & spend my time off taking him to Dr's & picking up prescriptions. Not that I had gotten up at 4 am to clean the house before I started work & did laundry. When the sink started gurgling again he said it was because I go to the bathroom too much. He was trying to get a rise out of me. I knew what he was doing trying to poke the bees nest & get a reaction out of me but I wouldn't give it to him. I stood there no tears I just said you have to be kidding me. So then he said my son has gotten so big he is probably going to have a heart attack & die. He went for my weak spot like my mother does. I let a tear fall not for what he said but because I worry about my son's health. He lost weight & gained it back plus more.  

I could see yesterday that I would be his emotional punching bag all day, so I retreated to my office to bury myself in work.

After dinner I calmly said I want to know why you are saying these things to me, he calming started lobbing hand grenades at me again. Still I would not react.  I said what's going on that is making you act like this?  It's out of character for you. He was getting angrier that I would not react & argue with him. Honestly I am so numb I am past the point of caring. He went outside & I folded clothes. He came in & said I'm sorry I am just feeling so angry lately  & I was taking it out on you. I was wrong & I'm sorry I didn't mean those things I said. I said ok. Still numb.

I still feel numb today like he put a wall between us. Today the I noticed the lump on the dogs leg has gotten bigger & I have to call the vet on Monday. That made me cry, I love him so much I couldn't bear if something is wrong with him. But I am going to write this in sand.

In marble I will write that my insurance will pay 6 grand to fix my sewage pipe & I only have to pay $500.

I prayed for the dog, asked God to heal him telling him I can't bear it for him to be sick even just typing it makes me cry.

I prayed for my son & asked God to give him the insight to get his life together & take better care of himself.

I prayed for myself asking God to help me with the numbness I feel & heal things between my husband & myself.

Switchfoot: Dare you to move

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
Yeah