Everyday I hear that little voice saying you are not good enough. You are fat & old & your hair is ugly.
I obsess over what I eat like if I think I ate too much I will think about that for the rest of the day beating myself up over it. Like why did you have that Oreo you didn't need it. I mean no one really needs an Oreo but I will think about it all day. I ate Oreos on Saturday & here I am on Monday still thinking about it.
I see pictures of myself from years ago & I seem happy but I know I wasn't. I criticize everything about those pictures when I see them. Look at my glasses or how big I was. I spend so much time telling myself that I am not good enough that I try to stay busy to quiet my mind. Scrubbing the floors or cleaning the carpets or scrolling through pintrest just so my I don't have to hear the criticism in my head. I can't be alone with my thoughts & let them creep in. I am an over achiever always need to do everything right just to prove to myself that I can.
I met my husband in highschool but we never dated I was too young. I dated one guy for over a year & he broke up with me because his mother threatened to take his car away. I look back now & understand how a 17 year old kid is not going to give up his car for some girl but at the time I felt not good enough. Then I met my ex & hung onto him even though I knew he cheated & he beat me up. When I was in the hospital after giving birth to my son I called the house in the middle of the night because my son had a problem & another girl answered. She even showed up at his parents house where we lived after my son came home. She came with her sister to " fight me" but when they got there & met me, her sister said you are so nice & your son is so cute. I'm sorry we bothered you. I still stayed & didn't confront him because I was convinced who would want me? So I was married at 18 & divorced before my 20th B day. I had resigned myself to raising my son alone because who would want me. I wasn't good enough. I was fat & ugly & had a kid.
I spent my childhood & especially my teenage years being told I was fat & my make up made me look like a clown at home. I was a guys girl, more comfortable playing football then wearing a dress. When I finally started changing & guys started to notice me. I had no idea. They wanted to take me places like to get ice cream or walk around the neighborhood but I felt so bad about myself I figured it was just because they felt sorry for me. Years later they said I was an idiot.
Even today my confidence is just a facade. I am still a guys girl. more comfortable talking about guy stuff than anything else. My sons friends say they love me because I am not like the other moms. They don't know that I am still just trying to fit in.
Papercut- Linkin park
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(It watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
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