Interesting quote

 Ice-T made a quote. He said the jokes on us because while we are busy fighting about race, religion & other things the reality is no lives matter except of the wealthy to those in power.

 This struck a cord in me because there is a new epilepsy medicine it's been out in other countries for years but just came to the US the end of last year. My insurance won't cover it & I can't afford to pay $1600 a month for it. Like most people I live pay check to pay check. I have money in my savings that I don't touch in case I need it ( like when I had to have the sewer pipe fixed) & I am trying to get myself out of debt that I go into 10 years ago.  

 Our Dr has appealed twice to the insurance & the next step is to send the state of NJ a check for 60 bucks with an appeal. For $60 they will decide if they will hear our case so the $60 does not guarantee they will even hear the Dr just that they will think about it & let us know. If they decide to hear what the Dr has to say then she has to call in & present our case. 

Literally I have to beg them to force my insurance to cover a new med. 

We have to keep a note book that he writes in everday so if they try to take away his disability payments we can prove he still has issues. Yesterday my husband said I just wrote in my book for the Dr that I felt normal after my shower today. It is so unusual for him to feel " normal" that we have to make a note of it for the Dr.         Let that sink in a minute.

Seizures everyday & a medicine that is CBD based & people are having success with but it's either pay for the meds or my mortgage.

 

I think Ice -T is right the reality is no lives matter except of the wealthy to those in power

 

I love Fall

 I know it's August but I went to take the garbage out this AM & it was 60 degrees. I came back in opened all the windows & lit my honey soaked apple candle. There is just something about Fall that speaks to me. 

I love having the windows open even if you have to throw on a sweatshirt. Throwing on my cozy bearpaw boots & heading down to the beach. Yup that right I only go to the beach in Spring & Fall never in the summer. Spring is renewal, things are waking up from the cold winter, flowers are starting to bloom & it's time to plant my garden. Fall is like nature stretching & getting ready for bed.  

I love to hear the leaves rustling in the breeze & the dog loves it. He will sit outside all day if you let him, just napping in the cool weather.

I can do one maybe two pumpkin spice coffees for the season, I am apple everything. Apple ciders, apple candle, Apple shaped butt yup that's me. :)  

I know you shouldn't wish your life away but I am over summer & can't wait for the cool weather.

that little voice

 Everyday I hear that little voice saying you are not good enough. You are fat & old & your hair is ugly. 

I obsess over what I eat like if I think I ate too much I will think about that for the rest of the day beating myself up over it. Like why did you have that Oreo you didn't need it. I mean no one really needs an Oreo but I will think about it all day. I ate Oreos on Saturday & here I am on Monday still thinking about it.  

 I see pictures of myself from years ago & I seem happy but I know I wasn't. I criticize everything about those pictures when I see them. Look at my glasses or how big I was. I spend so much time telling myself that I am not good enough that I try to stay busy to quiet my mind. Scrubbing the floors or cleaning the carpets or scrolling through pintrest just so my I don't have to hear the criticism in my head. I can't be alone with my thoughts  & let them creep in. I am an over achiever always need to do everything right just to prove to myself that I can.

I met my husband in highschool but we never dated I was too young. I dated one guy for over a year & he broke up with me because his mother threatened to take his car away. I look back now & understand how a 17 year old kid is not going to give up his car for some girl but at the time I felt not good enough. Then I met my ex & hung onto him even though I knew he cheated & he beat me up. When I was in the hospital after giving birth to my son I called the house in the middle of the night because my son had a problem & another girl answered. She even showed up at his parents house where we lived after my son came home. She came with her sister to " fight  me" but when they got there & met me, her sister said you are so nice & your son is so cute. I'm sorry we bothered you. I still stayed & didn't confront him because I was convinced who would want me? So I was married at 18 & divorced before my 20th B day. I had resigned myself to raising my son alone because who would want me. I wasn't good enough. I was fat & ugly & had a kid.

I spent my childhood & especially my teenage years being told I was fat & my make up made me look like a clown at home. I was a guys girl, more comfortable playing football then wearing a dress. When I finally started changing & guys started to notice me. I had no idea. They wanted to take me places like to get ice cream or walk around the neighborhood but I felt so bad about myself I figured it was just because they felt sorry for me. Years later they said I was an idiot.

Even today my confidence is just a facade. I am still a guys girl. more comfortable talking about guy stuff than anything else. My sons friends say they love me because I am not like the other moms. They don't know that I am still just trying to fit in.

 

Papercut- Linkin park

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(It watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

 

 The world is just weird right now. People are fighting over masks & politics, like physically fighting. Everyday on the news there is bad news. It's hard to stay positive.  

Back in March when I started working from home I decided to get up at my normal time of 4:30am so I didn't get off schedule, well here I am almost 7 months later & I have slightly adjusted my wake up time to 4:45. I get up take a shower, scoop the litter box, load or empty the dishwasher & make a cup of coffee.

Then I watch Rick Steves travel show until I have to start work. He travels all over the world as a tour guide & takes you with him. I dream of seeing these places one day, knowing there is more outside my door than just what I have seen. Today he was in Tuscany there is a home there from 200 BC it is literally 2200 years old!  Maybe my ancestors saw it with their own eyes. 

Greece has always had a draw to me, there is something about it that feels like home even though I have never been there. When I did the ancestry DNA I found out I was 7% Greek & it made sense to me. I know it sounds weird but I really have been drawn to it. I want to go there & take my husband & son for my 60th B day in 11 years 

So I watch this show & dream of visiting these places then log into my computer so I can hopefully one day pay for it all. Maybe one day I'll get there & decide not to come back. As long as I have my husband & my son I don't really need anything else.

The Kongos: Traveling on 

 So long my flame, my warmth, my fear, my fight
The road’s calling again tonight
Dreaming under street lights
Maybe I’ll catch a train to Rome
See the world until I can’t go on
Then maybe I’ll come traveling home

Not sure how I feel

 I called my mother on her birthday because I felt like I had to. I also sent her a gift from QVC again because I felt I had to. 

She said her friend gave her a card that said happy 30th Bday & she though that was so funny but she wouldn't want to be 30 again because that's the year she had me.

I feel like I should be angry or hurt but I'm not I'm just numb. My son said are you surprised mom she wrote you out of her will & gave the house & all of the old photos etc to uncle Joe. She wants my dads dog tags that he gave me when I was just a teenager screeching like a pterodactyl when I calmly said no. 

It seems like she is slowly erasing me out of the family so 200 years from now when someone researches our family history they will see my name but there will be no other trace of me, no photos, no stories, like I never really existed.  

I have been in my head about this, thinking I should be mad or hurt but I'm not. Thinking I'm weird for not reacting. Is it because I'm just numb, numb to her nonsense of putting me down? Calling me specifically to say I hate your new hair cut/ color.  To always try to one up me like I got a food saver , well I got a better one. Stupid stuff like that.

I just don't get it. I had my son at 18 & it wasn't an easy road, but if someone came to me & said you can go back and be 18 & choose to go to college & at this age of almost 50 you would be very successful travel the world & have the life you have only dreamed of. Or you can choose the same path with the abuse mental & physical. The struggles to make ends meet BUT you get your son. I would choose my son 1 million percent of the time.

Maybe that's why  I'm so involved with my son, because I didn't have that myself.

So no more guilt for me or feeling like I have to do something because she is my mom. 

Somewhere I belong: Linkin Park

When this began,
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel (nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face (I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (so what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me (nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (erase all the pain 'till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away, and find myself today

I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I want to heal I want to feel like I'm,
Somewhere I belong,
I want to heal I want to feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong