And just like that things changed

So I already listed about the argument with my husband. Well on Sunday he came to me & started crying he said I am really sorry for what I said to you. I have alot of anger lately & I took it out on you.

I am jealous of Mike getting to go on his fishing trip because I passed up opportunities when I was younger & now I can't do them anymore. I am jealous that I hear you laughing & joking with the guys you work with & I don't have friends like that.

And just like that things changed, I listened to what he said & my guard went down. We have been together 27 years & the way he acted was out of character. So we pick up the pieces & move on.

Beautiful war: Kings of Leon

Bite your tongue
Don't make a scene dear
Everybody's been here
At least once before
But we've been here more
Your heart breaks
Rolls down the window
I've seen it all go
Comeback around
I've heard the sound

The tip of your tongue
The top of your lungs
Is doing my head in
I say love
Don't mean nothing
Left them something
Worth fighting for
It's a beautiful war

When I hold
The warmth of your body
There is nobody
That I'd rather hold
Shattered and cold

The tip of your tongue
The top of your lungs
Is making me crazy
I say love
Don't mean nothing
Left them something
Worth fighting for
It's a beautiful war

I say love
You don't need nothing
Left them something
Worth fighting for…

We write our trials in Marble & our blessings in sand

Things have been tough lately.  So much stress with the virus, the pay cuts, feeling trapped in the house. I have been very numb lately.

Yesterday my husband told me I am 75% of the reason he is unhappy in life. I spend my days doing everything I can for him & that is what he said. He said I take advantage of him since he got sick, not that I have rearranged my entire life to take care of him & spend my time off taking him to Dr's & picking up prescriptions. Not that I had gotten up at 4 am to clean the house before I started work & did laundry. When the sink started gurgling again he said it was because I go to the bathroom too much. He was trying to get a rise out of me. I knew what he was doing trying to poke the bees nest & get a reaction out of me but I wouldn't give it to him. I stood there no tears I just said you have to be kidding me. So then he said my son has gotten so big he is probably going to have a heart attack & die. He went for my weak spot like my mother does. I let a tear fall not for what he said but because I worry about my son's health. He lost weight & gained it back plus more.  

I could see yesterday that I would be his emotional punching bag all day, so I retreated to my office to bury myself in work.

After dinner I calmly said I want to know why you are saying these things to me, he calming started lobbing hand grenades at me again. Still I would not react.  I said what's going on that is making you act like this?  It's out of character for you. He was getting angrier that I would not react & argue with him. Honestly I am so numb I am past the point of caring. He went outside & I folded clothes. He came in & said I'm sorry I am just feeling so angry lately  & I was taking it out on you. I was wrong & I'm sorry I didn't mean those things I said. I said ok. Still numb.

I still feel numb today like he put a wall between us. Today the I noticed the lump on the dogs leg has gotten bigger & I have to call the vet on Monday. That made me cry, I love him so much I couldn't bear if something is wrong with him. But I am going to write this in sand.

In marble I will write that my insurance will pay 6 grand to fix my sewage pipe & I only have to pay $500.

I prayed for the dog, asked God to heal him telling him I can't bear it for him to be sick even just typing it makes me cry.

I prayed for my son & asked God to give him the insight to get his life together & take better care of himself.

I prayed for myself asking God to help me with the numbness I feel & heal things between my husband & myself.

Switchfoot: Dare you to move

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
Yeah

I just don't know

Ever since we switched to new software WHICH WE ALL TRAINED ON TOGETHER, people just keep screwing things up & leaving them for someone else to fix. Saying well I'm busy. WELL I'm busy fixing everyone else's mistakes.

A Woman in our accounting dept was complaining about working 8 hours a day & kept saying I'm not an accounting expert ( 7 times in a 24 minute conversation). I work 9 hours a day & I know more about accounting than her apparently.

Our software " expert" went to the head honchos with an issue I was having instead of telling me who to talk to & gave them complete misinformation so now it's screwed up even further.

I'm stressed all the time.

Then my husband starts with he wants to see his mother. I said I haven't seen mine in 3 years & it's not bad you should try it. He says well shes my mother, what if Mike did not want to see you ? I said it would never happen because when my son needs me I drop everything to help him. I have driven to his house to help him fix his car, install an air conditioner, check a breaker all kinds of things. I don't just act like I want him when it's convenient for me. I have even taken him for bloodwork so he didn't have to go alone.
He was upset when I said I am not sending her something for mothers day because of my pay cut  but meanwhile, I cleaned the house, scooped the litter & made my own dinner all things that did not cost anything to do but he didn't do.


He doesn't get why I won't forgive her for turning her back when we needed her, making plans with her boyfriend when he was supposed to get an nerve implant to help his seizures. Making her boyfriend a priority over her son time & time again. Then she says oh I'm here if you need help. My response in my head is Fuck you when I asked for help you were too busy don't play the hero now. She says oh your so strong taking care of everything I just stare at her like what choice do I have you parade him around like a circus freak oh my poor disabled son, loving to play the martyr but when he needs help you are too busy.
Then when he gets mad he says I treat him the way  his mother does. Which is complete BS, I used to fall for it but now I calmly say oh ok  give me an example so I can realize what I do that upsets you. Time & time again he can't come up with one & says well I don't want to talk about it now.

My mother calls to say I don't like your new hair ( a short pink cut) It's like she thought I might be feeling good about myself & she can't allow it.

I just don't know