I have spent my entire life being told what was not good enough about me. I was too short or fat or my hair is too curly. I don't conform to what I should be, I am too much of a Tomboy. The one time I tried, I had my old boss at the hair salon that was a professional make up artist do my make up for a wedding. I got home thinking I looked good & my father said the circus is that way, you look like a clown. Now mind you my boss did make up for commercials so she was legit. I spent the entire day feeling like an idiot with too much make up on.
Those times stick with you, they burn into your brain & change you. They rewire you to think you are not good enough.
About a week ago I had an argument with my husband, it was a yelling cursing argument over a can of spray paint he said he bought it for a project, I said no it was for my project. It lasted over an hour. During the argument he pointed out all that is wrong with me & I stood there tears in my eyes. Not saying a word & not letting them fall just staring at him. I felt done, like just done. He said he wanted to leave, I did not beg him to stay. My emotions had shut down. I went in the other room & the dog followed me he was crying & licking my face, he could feel my hurt & wanted to fix it. Zip a rewire in my brain again.
A few hours later I said to my husband I don't want you to leave but if you must where will you go? He didn't have a plan & he apologized. He said his anger just builds up because of his situation & he takes it out on me. Part of me thinks he wanted me to beg him to stay because he always says he feels useless not being able to work or drive & knowing I needed him there would make him feel better. The thing is I have never been with anyone I needed, I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself. I want him there but I don't need him. and I don't lie.
Then the Fiasco with my mother changing her will. It's not about the money, like I said she will leave my brother with debt. It's about the mind games, her way of saying I am not good enough again. A parent should not do that. A parent is supposed to lift their child up not kick them down. I have not visited her in 2 years & now I remember why. The minute I walk in the door or call her on the phone she starts. Oh I thought you left the country I had not heard from you. I'm surprised you have called me before I die. I have now flipped the script & when she does that I say when do you plan on dying ? I 'll see if I can fit you in.
I take it all in stride & make a joke. On the inside I am screaming I just want someone to see me, the real me . I try to be a good Mother & wife & daughter & friend, but time after time I'm told I'm not good enough. You don't do enough for me.Leave me alone, no help me. Leave me alone, no help me. You don't call enough or come see me, you didn't spend enough on a gift for me.
Sara Bareilles: used to be mine
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
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