I stood up for myself with out second guessing

 I am very insecure about money since my husband can no longer work. I watch every penny. I can tell you the dishwasher tabs I use cost 21 each or $250 a year for me. Kuerig pods cost 54 cents each vs a dunkin coffee at almost 4 bucks a pop. I have always watched my money esp after getting into debt when he got sick but it became like a game once he lost his job. On average I save about $170 bucks per grocery shopping bill which equals about 2/3 of the entire bill.
 Anyway I'm getting away from myself. I work with someone that does not do their job, they were brought in to help me & have been nothing but a hindrance for almost 2 years. They spend all their time on their phone posting on facebook & instagram rather than doing the work that needs to be done. At one time when we both worked for my old boss I went to him & said she is not doing what you hired her to do with a few examples. He called us both into a meeting & she came in with a list yes an actual hand written list of all the things she doesn't like about me. He told her to put it away & I thought to myself WTF? He wanted to send us out to lunch together, I said no thanks I am not trying to be her friend I just want the job done.
 So this past week I took Friday off to take my husband to the Dr. when I came in on Monday there was a ton of work that never got done. I was furious, so just over this nonsense. I know my worth, but have always kept my mouth shut for fear of  losing my job. I sent my boss an e mail that said Big problem & if you don't do something I am looking for another job. When he saw the e mail he called me in & asked what happened, I exploded dropping the F bomb saying this is ridiculous. Why do we keep her on the salary if she is not doing to job, give it to someone who wants & needs this job. Here's the kicker I actually said I KNOW MY WORTH! I have almost 15 years of experience & will find another job. He was shocked. He looked me in the eye , saw I was serious & said I hope you won't do that you are an intrical part of the dept give me a chance to correct this. I agreed.

Normally I would go about bitching to my friends & family about how stressed I am because I am the only one working hard but I finally did it. I stood up for myself without worrying about the what if's .... What if I lose my job, what if they decide to replace me instead etc etc& it felt good. It felt like that girl from 12 years ago that told her boss he was an A hole & when he told her to go home & cool off she looked him in the eye & said no. You think I'm walking out of here so you can say I cursed at you & then walked out ?  Think again. He respected me after that & about a year later he was fired.

I did it , I stood up for myself & knew I would figure it out of they asked me to leave. I couldn't live as a shadow of myself anymore.

Sara Barellis: " Brave"

Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Seizures Suck

Early Saturday morning my husband had a violent seizure. The entire bed started shaking I could hear him struggling to breathe. I reached for the light switch & pulled his C Pap mask off of his face. His entire body was locked up & convulsing. fingers & toes , his back was arched  even his tongue was arched covering his airway. His entire body was dark red. There is nothing I can do but watch him & time it. Make sure he doesn't start turning blue. These kind of seizures if they cut off his air for too long can result in Sudep. So I watch helpless. rubbing his chest saying come back to me, come back to me.
He came to gasping for air saying his chest hurt & his heart was racing. I put the pulse oxymeter on his finger & his heart rate was ok so was his oxygen. He said his head hurt, it felt like it was in a vice. I let the dog out of his crate he wanted to get to Lou so desperately & went to get Tylenol.
I got him all situated, the dog back in the crate & went to write notes in his notebook that the Dr. has us keep for her & disability.  Then I laid there listening to his breathing, the slightest movement on high alert. I worry the next one will be the last one, I won't be there to save him.
Imagine having to leave someone you love everyday with a ferocious gorilla in a cage that has rusty bars. You leave hoping today is not the day it breaks loose. Today is not the day you find he has broken the one you love but you have to leave because you have bills to pay.
 You are in debt up to your eyeballs. trying to pay off credit cards from stuff you bought 8 years ago. You have not used those cards in that long but you maxed them out supplementing your income  while waiting for the government to decide if they agreed with a Dr that said your husband is unable to work anymore. You are slowing getting yourself out of debt & then a hospital visit happens & you are taking money from your 401K to pay it. I know I am not the only person who goes through this, there are alot of us living pay check to pay check. Saving as much as we can  feeling uneasy about money. 
At 6am I get up & get ready to go the grocery store, because life has to go on.

Life goes on : The Kinks

Life goes on.
It happens every day.
So appreciate what you got
Before it's taken away.
Life will hit you
When you're unprepared,
So be grateful and take all
That you can while you're there.
Get that frown off your head,
'Cause you're a long time dead.
Life goes on and on and on.
Life goes on and on and on.

I have been feeling beat up alot lately

I have spent my entire life being told what was not good enough about me. I was too short or fat or my hair is too curly. I don't conform to what I should be, I am too much of a Tomboy. The one time I tried, I  had my old boss at the hair salon that was a professional make up artist do my make up for a wedding. I got home thinking I looked good & my father said the circus is that way, you look like a clown. Now mind you my boss did make up for commercials so she was legit. I spent the entire day feeling like an idiot with too much make up on.

Those times stick with you, they burn into your brain & change you. They rewire you to think you are not good enough.

About a week ago I had an argument with my husband, it was a yelling cursing argument over a can of spray paint he said he bought it for a project, I said no it was for my project. It lasted over an hour. During the argument he pointed out all that is wrong with me & I stood there tears in my eyes. Not saying a word & not letting them fall just staring at him. I felt done, like just done. He said he wanted to leave, I did not beg him to stay. My emotions had shut down. I went in the other room & the dog followed me he was crying & licking my face, he could feel my hurt & wanted to fix it. Zip a rewire in my brain again.

A few hours later I said to my husband I don't want you to leave but if you must where will you go? He didn't have a plan & he apologized. He said his anger just builds up because of his situation  & he takes it out on me.  Part of me thinks he wanted me to beg him to stay because he always says he feels useless not being able to work or drive & knowing I needed him there would make him feel better. The thing is I have never been with anyone I needed, I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself. I want him there but I don't need him. and I don't lie.

Then the Fiasco with my mother changing her will. It's not about the money, like I said she will leave my brother with debt. It's about the mind games, her way of saying I am not good enough again. A parent should not do that. A parent is supposed to lift their child up not kick them down. I have not visited her in 2 years & now I remember why.  The minute I walk in the door or call her on the phone she starts. Oh I thought you left the country I had not heard from you. I'm surprised you have called me before I die. I have now flipped the script & when she does that I say when do you plan on dying ? I 'll see if I can fit you in. 

I take it all in stride & make a joke. On the inside I am screaming I just want someone to see me, the real me . I try to be a good Mother & wife & daughter & friend, but time after time I'm told I'm not good enough. You don't do enough for me.Leave me alone, no help me. Leave me alone,  no help me. You don't call enough or come see me, you didn't spend enough on a gift for me.

Sara Bareilles: used to be mine
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

Today's life lesson... When someone shows you who they are believe them

I have to go back a few years to explain this, back in August 2005 my Dad died. My brother was never close to my Dad, my Dad would ask him for help with things but he always had an excuse why he couldn't. My parents re did their kitchen in Probably 2003, they bumped it out & expanded it. My father hired someone to do that work & then finished the inside himself.  He asked my brother who builds houses & buildings for a living to help but he was always too busy.  So everyday after work my husband would head down to my parents house & help sheet rock, I went during the day & put up insulation. There are many occasions of me helping & my brother being too busy.
So when my Dad died suddenly my brother drove down for the funeral & then loaded up my dads pick up with everything he could fit, then came back & took more stuff. He took tools ( my Dad was a mechanic for over 40 years) even though he doesn't fix his own cars, rolling tool boxes, the ride on lawn mower & even the dog. HE TOOK THE DOG!
I went to my mother & said I would like to have the dog since you don't want to keep her, she said Joe can give her a life you can't I already told him he can have her. The dog died promptly 4 weeks later, just dropped dead in the house. I'm sure she just gave up, she didn't know my brother, had never lived in the middle of the woods & not with small children. So this 4 year old dog went under the table & died one day. I could have given her a good life with lots of love & walks & taken her to the places she was used to . But I digress.
The tools, so he took a rolling toolbox, you know the very expensive ones. My Dad had two filled to the brim with 40 years worth of tools. He left one beat up one for my son, AFTER he had gone through everything &  left bent screwdrivers & broken wrenches ( no joke), even though my son was learning to fix cars from my husband. He parked the truck in the woods on his property & let it rot away, he never drove it again, it sat in the woods rotting for 10 years before he had it towed away he could have let my son have it as he would have been driving soon.  I got nothing after my Dad's death, nothing at all. I had a few things he had personally given me when I was younger  & things his sisters had given me photos & such. 
So it's important to note my brother has said no more than hello to me in 30 years literally 30 years.  I think it's because when I was 17 he wanted to move out & get an apartment we could both live in  but I said I could take care of myself he turned & walked away he never talked to me again. The thing about him is he always  wants everyone to do what he wants & if you know me, you know I dance to my own drummer.

About a year ago my nephew came to visit before he left for Marine Corp boot Camp, I showed him the stuff that had belonged to my Dad, some photos, the challenge coin & his dog tags. I gave him a key chain that had belonged to my Dad. He told my mom I had this  stuff. She promptly called & said do you have your fathers Dog tags ? Yup. Well I want to give them to your brother, I said nope. WELL WHY NOT?!  They are not yours to give, they are mine & I said no. They are now locked in my safe for my son.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I called my mother. She said she went to a lawyer with my brother on Tuesday & had everything put into a trust in his name. I actually started to giggle. I caught myself. She thought I would be mad so she tried again. She said well I wanted to leave something to you, but Joe does so much for me. I said Yup. She said the lawyer asked if I had other children & I said yes but explained everything to him of you having a disabled husband & he said he understands. ( Not sure what me having a disabled husband has to do with anything). Ok.. still no reaction from me. I got off the phone & started laughing hysterically. I said to my husband I am sending my brother a card that says you win. The funny thing is does he want the prize he just won? The debt she is going to leave him with. I can't stop giggling to myself.   

 Today song: Gives you Hell by the All American Rejects

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car
And did it ever get you far
You never seemed so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell