Just some random thoughts / observations

1. Who the hell invented underwire bras. I'm sure it was a man, they push your boobs up like they are being served on a platter. They are uncomfortable. Does a guy wear underpants that push his balls up no of course not because EEEWWW.

2. I love Harem pants. I bought my first pair from Amazon a few weeks ago & just wore them today. They are so comfortable & the older I get the more I am about comfort & not skin tight pinchy clothes hence the harem pants & yoga pants & jeans with Spandex. I'm going to order another pair on pay day!

3. Sit quietly & people will show you who they are. Read that again

4. I love Pintrest, I have the app on my phone & I am always looking for cool things to do around my house, I pin a ton of them & do maybe like 5 but my intentions are good.

5. Yesterday my boss asked me if I needed him to lift a tool box for me. He said I made a face like I was going to snarl at him. I said don't treat me like a helpless girl. He said you are right I should know better & then we laughed, I went outside checked the oil in my car & got the toolbox myself. 

6. When you are a kid they give you a box of crayons & tell you to be creative. You color outside the lines & your mom hangs it on the fridge like it's the most beautiful thing she has seen. Then you get a little older & they scold you for coloring outside the lines & making an elephant green instead of gray & that doesn't go on the fridge. Then they take your crayons all together & replace them with pens & expect you to act a certain way & dress a certain way & talk a certain way & your friends expect you to only like a certain boy, or band or kind of clothes & you conform. Then you hit your 40's & you start to care less & less about what people think & dress your own way & paint your living room wall with geometric patterns & dance with your dog in the backyard & paint your doors canary yellow. While the voice inside says I am taking my damn crayons back!

THats it :)

You Say :Lauren Daigle  ( this is just a good song) 

  keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough

Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

My husband turns 52 this week

52 may not seem like a special but it is. My husband struggles with seizures & depression everyday,so every birthday is a milestone to me.

I met him when I was 14 & he was 18. It was just by chance, we went to high school together & he was working while I was in class. He was between jobs & just happened to be there one week. I remember what I was wearing. It was jeans & my brothers flannel shirt ( my style hasn't changed much in 34 years). It was October & he was dressed the same, jeans, sneakers & a t shirt with a flannel over it. I was talking to my friend Robin about this yellow Chevelle I saw in the parking lot & how much I loved it. He came over & said it was his car, I didn't believe him. We saw each other on & off for a few years never actually dating until one day a Christmas card came in the mail from him & it said I wonder what you are up to & had his phone number. My heart skipped a beat.
My boss at the time encouraged me to call him so I did. I explained I had a son that was 1 1/2 & you know he never hesitated he said he would like to meet him someday. A few days later we went on our first date & brought my son along, he bought him a troll doll with purple hair. They were fast friends after that, he would pick him up while I went to work & they would go out to " pick up chicks" as my son would say. He called him Doo & I think wanted to spend time with him more than me. We wound up getting Married when Mike was 3 & by 4  he was officially Mikes dad. Mike didn't understand it at the time, the significance of this man that would raise him but I did. I knew he was a good man & would raise our son to be a good man too.

Now they are more than son & father they are friends. They go to concerts together & sit together when we go to baseball games. They are so alike it's scary sometimes :)

To me Lou is still that 18 year old guy, his eyes are this beautiful color of gray, & green & blue. When he's mad they turn gray like storm clouds are moving in, when he's just doing his everyday stuff they are goldish ,green but when he looks at me with love in his eyes they are the most beautiful blue like a spring day & the birds are chirping. He has a crooked smile & the best laugh. When he really loves you he will do anything for you.  I hear him at night tucking the dog into his crate & saying I love you buddy, sweet dreams.
He is a good man & I am lucky to have him in my life.

So Happy Birthday my Love

 
    Ara Barellis:I CHOOSE YOU

There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me that you could not come true
Just love's illusion
But then you found me
And everything changed
And I believe in something again

My whole heart
Will be yours forever
This is a beautiful start

To a lifelong love letter 

I purged my closets & my thinking

I have been on a tear lately about getting things organized, getting rid of clutter & just getting my house in order. This weekend I purged my closest. It was cathartic, I went through & just filled a big garbage bag with things to sell at my garage sale in the spring.
About 10 years ago I lost 70 lbs, I have since gained back 30 & have been hanging on to my " skinny" clothes hoping to get back into them. This weekend was one of self acceptance, I realized I am judging & being hard on myself because I gained 30 lbs, saying I'm not good enough because I can't zip up the shorts that I used to love. Saturday they went in the trash bag for the garage sale. This is my size now maybe I will lose the weight maybe I won't but I'm tired of feeling not good enough because of the tag inside my jeans. I see the dimples in my thighs & the jiggles that were not there 30 lbs ago but honestly just like the color of my hair how does that make me less than?
My husband thinks I'm beautiful at least that's what he says & the dog loves me no matter what. Plus my son thinks I'm pretty awesome wanting to take me to concerts & stuff instead of his girlfriend (Hmmmm) . So in the trash bag they went along with my self doubt & the little voice saying you are not good enough I'm still the same girl with just a little more jiggle when I wiggle.

Demi Lovato: Confident

So you say I'm complicated
That I must be outta my mind
But you had me underrated
What's wrong with being, What's wrong with being confident?

You know that one person

So I work with a woman & sometimes I like her sometimes she makes me crazy. When she is telling you a story she must tell every detail like I said this, then they said that, then I said this. You want to say ok great can we get to the end please. Yesterday she was talking about training & kept saying well my husband is up here like above a trainer but they asked him to do it, I said excuse me? Hmm my husband was a trainer in fact he developed & launched the one line training you take here. 

Then she leaves flowers on your desk for your birthday & dresses in a group costume for Halloween.

It's like I can't get a bead on her. She straight out lies about stuff & changes her story multiple times, and talks behind your back in a whisper like shes in a wind tunnel but then she is super caring & makes me laugh.

I guess I will just take her as she is

Gossip can destroy someone's relationship

So Yesterday a guy I work with said he has been fighting with his wife alot lately & she accused him of having an affair with me & someone else we work with. I started laughing like probably  harder than I should have. My only reply was "hmmm interesting".

I am not going to react to something that is not true  and anyone who knows me knows I love my husband & I'm not a liar or a cheater. I don't know what is happening between them that made her think that & I don't know what he says about me at home that would make her think that. I went home & told my husband what was said. The fact is that I go to work & come home everyday. I don't go out. I said if I was going to cheat on you it would be with a 99 year old Billionaire with one foot in the grave. We laughed & that was the end of it.

I felt I needed to tell him because that's what I do. I don't hide things from him. It made me think though, how someones angry comment to their own husband can destroy some elses relationship. How gossip which so many people are flippant about can really hurt someone.

There is a quote I read on Pintrest & saved it to my words to live by file, I think more people should take this advice. I'm looking at you mother in law & son's girlfriend & my mother

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth! - coolfunnyquotes.com 

The subject of religion came up again

For some reason the people in my office love to talk about religion. I don't say much see my post from a few weeks ago about observing more & talking less.

The one guy said he went to church with his wife & the guy in front of them was gossiping about everyone in the church. I said this one thing, that the people who are the most religious seem to be the most judgmental.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't stand up & say what I feel, but it's just that it's what I feel, not for everyone. I have prayed through most of the most difficult parts of my life & it has gotten me through very rough days. I wear my crucifix everyday, I put it on when my husband was in ICU and I have never taken it off.

I guess for me my beliefs are personal

Some days I sit at my desk about to cry

I'm just unhappy. The woman that sits next to me is nice enough but some days her voice goes right through me & she constantly lies just to be part of a conversation.

I feel like everyday at work I'm not good enough, like you did this but I need you to do even more & more & more.

I wake up in the night with headaches, clenching my jaw. I snap at my husband  because my nerves are on edge. I took two weeks off around Christmas & I just felt peaceful, no stress, I got lots of things done around the house & just relaxed.

I have to question is this job worth it? I have given it 14 years of my life as of tomorrow, I feel stuck, because they are understanding about my husbands illness & the benefits are cheap.

But what is the cost to me mentally & physically? 

You know when you get your period & think that explains alot

I am peri menopausal. What does that mean? I'm bloated, moody, get night sweats, my period is erratic, I have anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, hmm did I leave anything out oh yeah, my hair is falling out & I could grow a mustache if I wanted ( I don't)  . They say this can last a few years, oh joy. My estrogen is dropping, so basically I'm turning into a man. I have been told in the past I have a big set of balls so I guess I should have expected this.
 Lately I have been anxious like sitting at my desk yesterday & my fight or flight kicks in. I took a few deep breathes & ignored it. Last night I woke up with sweat running off of me & lo & behold this am at work I got my period only two weeks after the last one. Some times it's every two weeks, then I won't get it for a month. Then is goes back to every 30 days, it's completely unpredictable, so I keep tampons in every bag I own & my desk at work.
We have a machine in the bathroom at work, but if they think for 1 minute I am paying 25 cents for a crappy tampons they can suck it. The cleaning lady used to fill a little bin we put in this bathroom with tampons etc, but lately all she does is complain about her job & then not do it. Yesterday no soap in the kitchen today there is no soap in the bathroom & no tampons.

The Change as my mother generation called it sux, my emotions are all over the place, did I mention how bloated I always am, which just kicks my self esteem in the gut. There was an article in a magazine recently about how women are still expected to do it all, take care of the house, the kids, work, cook dinner, do the grocery shopping etc. It showed a woman holding a baby & a laptop while she ran on a hamster wheel.  I don't have a baby anymore he's a grown man, but still calls me for help & I'm still expected to do a hell of alot but I'm expected to not be in a bad mood like ever & go through life with a smile, there are not enough mood stabilizers in the world to make me smile all the time.
We are expected to be nice to people even if we don't want to. There are alot of people I work with that I don't like but if I ignore them or brush them off, I'm a bitch. I have developed a new thing where I will just stare at you like why are you wasting my time with this. It seems to work, there is definitely an attitude behind the stare.

Ah the joys of being a woman!

"Bitch" By Meredith Brooks:

So take me as I am

This may mean

You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way