In a few weeks I'll be 49. It hasn't always been an easy road but here I am. The past few years I have been obsessing about my weight. Stepping on the scale everyday beating myself up.
I have put back on 40 of the 70 lbs I lost about 10 years ago. Not all at once but it has crept back. I don't enjoy my life, I just exist. I don't know how much longer any of us have & I just sit here existing everyday. I have a husband that has epilepsy, a shit ton of responsibilities, a job that does not bring me joy, a pain in the ass mother & mother in law. A son that is unhappy, a recall on my mammogram next week & I concentrate on the number on the scale. Telling myself I'm not good enough because of that number.
Maybe it's because I feel it's the one thing I can control but it's out of control. I'm sad because of that number. With all the other things to be sad about & it's that number that gets me & says you are not good enough.
I walk with the dog & feel good & then an hour later my body hurts, when I put my feet on the floor they hurt. My elbows & shoulders hurt. I force myself to go out & do it anyway knowing I will be in pain like it's my punishment for eating a mini twix or putting milk in my coffee.
Me like so many other people have put my self worth on the scale. I look at people like Lizzo & I think to myself she is a faker she can't be fat & happy it's just not possible.
